Roric Slade Calculates Why Humans Weaponize Biscuits Against Logic
Welcome back to "When Aliens Come To Tea"! This fortnight, Felix Andromeda sits down with the enigmatic Roric Slade, a man whose past is as encrypted as his former client list. Hailing from the high-stakes, paranoia-fueled corporate world of Callisto Prime, Roric was a covert information broker, dealing in secrets that could topple empires.
Play: Roric Slade - The Interstellar Spy Who Audits Reality
"Assume optimized malice until data suggests mere cosmic-level incompetence." - Roric Slade on navigating public automated systems
Meet Our Guest: The Galaxy's Most Reformed Data Thief
Roric Slade hails from Callisto Prime's orbital habitats, where corporate espionage isn't just a career—it's a survival strategy. This former covert information broker once dealt in secrets like most of us deal in loyalty card points, until a crisis of conscience involving weaponized terraforming research made him burn every operational identity and start fresh.
Now a Crisis Mitigation Consultant, Roric helps companies navigate disasters ranging from accidental recipe livestreams to sentient paperclip union negotiations. His mission on Earth? Understanding why humans engage in what he calls "performative inefficiency"—like competitive cooking shows where contestants deliberately sabotage themselves for entertainment. His greatest shock about humanity? Our inexplicable tendency to trust strangers without running background checks on their biscuits.
Top Moments That Made STEEP Question Its Programming
The Great Biscuit Security Protocol
When offered a digestive, Roric requested verbal disclosure of all ingredients and confirmation of "structural integrity upon initial contact." Felix's begonia was also subjected to a threat assessment by GNN security. The plant registered as benign, though STEEP continues monitoring it for suspicious photosynthesis patterns.
Graduation Caps: Atmospheric Dampeners for Inspiration Overload
Roric's deadpan analysis of human graduation ceremonies reached peak absurdity when he theorised those square caps serve as "rudimentary individual atmospheric dampeners to prevent inspiration from speeches causing spontaneous cerebral over-pressure." STEEP unhelpfully clarified they're actually for "tassel-based trajectory experiments."
The Fiscal Follies vs. Reality Baking Shows
Discovering Callisto Prime's version of entertainment—junior executives attempting planetary budgets while intoxicated on fermented Jovian cloud-berries—Roric finally understood humanity's love of watching others fail spectacularly at simple tasks. Though he still considers our glitter usage inefficient.
Subsonic Rock Opera for Geological Morale
The revelation that Callisto corporations once funded secret opera houses performing exclusively in frequencies only crystalline rock formations could hear—for "morale purposes"—proved even corporate espionage has its bewildering moments.
"Recalibration" as a Life Philosophy
In the rapid-fire round, when asked to describe starting life over in one word, Roric's pause before answering "recalibration" carried more weight than any lengthy explanation could.
Quotable Quotes from the Data Vaults
Roric: "Trust is a vulnerability until proven to be a distributed asset with verifiable, redundant backup systems."
Felix: "Right. 'Darling, is that a new atmospheric recycler? It's... breathtaking.' Less romantic than a first edition holo-novel, perhaps, but undoubtedly more useful in a catastrophic life-support failure."
Roric: "The mundane often holds the most significant leverage, Mr. Andromeda. A self-stirring mug, if its patent is airtight and its market disruption potential high... is far from trivial."
STEEP: "The guest's vocal stress patterns indicate a pre-existing high tolerance to corporate-grade psycho-social lubricants, commonly known as 'negotiation enhancers.'"
Roric: (On human hobbies) "Less... pet training, more... high-stakes probability sculpting."
STEEP's Computational Crisis Log
"Facial tic frequency increased by 0.8% during discussion of 'holistic integration,' indicating vestigial irritation in subject. Have initiated comparative analysis of biscuit structural integrity versus tensile strength of Mr. Slade's former operational pseudonyms. Preliminary findings: biscuits less likely to crumble under pressure. Filing under 'Ironic Metaphors, Subcategory: Unintentional.'"
Next Time on When Aliens Come to Tea
Ambassador Zorp Glorbax of the Glibglob arrives to investigate humanity's missing common sense! Expect mandatory happiness protocols, deep analysis of the Lost Sock Phenomenon, and a species physically incapable of saying 'no.' STEEP has pre-filed diplomatic paperwork for an "Anticipatory Beverage Impasse."
Mentioned Characters
- Hyper-vigilant
- Over-analytical
- Biscuit-suspicious
